Wednesday, 7 March 2012

PURIM EXCLUSIVE! Letter (not) from Jonathan Ar**-Kush to the Jewish miLlionaires’ Club

According to Minhag Anglia this epistle is read immediately after the Megillah and the entire congregation should stand. Some opinions hold that it is sung to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivanovich's 'I Am the Very Model of a British Jewish Deputy.'

Dear President, five dozen Vice Presidents, Esteemed and Exalted, Good Looking, Alpha Males, Machers, Knakers, Oligarchs, Door Openers to Power, Door Closers to Oiks, Elected, Accountable and Acceptable Members of the Jewish miLlionaires' Club

Following last week's JewC coverage, I felt it important that I clarify my recent remarks and I now come before you in my sack and ash coloured tie.

The Jewish miLlionaires' Club plays a vital role in the infrastructure of the money men of our community. It provides a much-needed vehicle to supplement your 5-jag, 2-maybach, 7-roller fleets to transport you to your giddying heights. It has done much to enhance the reputation of its members who otherwise might have been machers with nothing to mach on. The Jewish miLlionaires' Club has undoubtedly added immense value to the figurative six-packs of its members.

With regard to the democratic surplus of the Club I accept that its legitimacy stems from you having attended the Putin School of Democracy and passed with flying colours. You have opened doors even to the Old Bobe of Threadneedle Street who has pledged quantitative easing of further tranches of democracy in the unlikely event that a shortfall should arise. I sincerely apologise for the insinuation that you lack accountability which I entirely withdraw. There is no doubt that you are accountable to offshore celestial authorities and safe havens in heaven where your just and untaxed rewards await you.

I accept there were threats to withhold funding unless I stick out my tongue for the duration of this letter and then swallow it for good and that this is perfectly acceptable behaviour for oligarchs who must lead from their wallets. It was scurrilous of me to suggest that you do not have the right to do with your hard earned cash as and what you like which is why I am in my current horizontal position in front of your positively ogreish average of 5ft 3.75 inches (minus the heels).

I also accept that my remarks were outrageously blasphemous. Our greatest leaders and prophets from Moses to Isaiah through Maimonides and Spinoza were famously loaded and there is no reason why you, our Dear Leaders, should shed a few pounds to ease yourself into position. As we were taught at Sunday Cheder, Mount Sinai was chosen because of the size of its helipad so our leaders need not arrive by easyJet.

I further acknowledge that standing by one's principles to the point of resignation is for woolly lefties and cheek turning Christians like Canon Fraser or our accursed enemies such as Baroness Tonge, tfu tfu. It is not what is expected of Yiddishe leaders who have turned the practice of stepping backwards for ose shalom into a hallowed and much cherished tradition.

I am truly sorry and contrite that in a poll 62% of respondents agreed with me. It was never my intention to set the proles against our Dear Leaders or to suggest that cab drivers from Ilford and tsholent fressers from Salford should have the chutzpah to dictate who should be their leaders. The role of the Board is to deputise to your supreme, uncontested leadership and to twist the arms of demurring representatives until their pupiks squeak.

I ought not to have overrun my allotted speaking slot timed to .69 of a millisecond on the Hublots above your exalted fists. It is measure for measure that I should have to write an entire megillah for each fraction of my infraction. It has been the rule ever since I was in school that you must lift your finger before being excused and speaking out of turn gets you detention and attached to this letter is my sheet of 150 lines 'I promise never to wet myself again.'

I can confirm that I was not suffering from a bout of bipolar, schizophrenic, psychotic, delusional paranoia brought on by my double barrelled surname and I only had a sore nose caused by too much rubbing. I am particularly proud to support the punishment banning me from the Aipac outing since I could not be trusted to sing in tune on the tour coach.

Finally I am not writing this on the rack nor am I dunked in a mikve of hydrochloric acid and there is also no electrode attached to my beitzim as there was difficulty finding a connection. I am signing this letter free of my free and unimpeded will.

I beg to remain eternally, Sirs (and 1.5 Madams), your most humble, obedient and t*ches licking servant

Jonathan Ar**-Kush

PS May I get up now?

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2 Comments:

At 7 March 2012 at 14:17 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had your drinks early this year?

Besides for the thick layer of vile language/metaphors this post is mostly illegible.

 
At 7 March 2012 at 15:38 , Anonymous Mick Davis said...

Bravo. Excellent piece. And so he should be sorry, that mechutzaf. Getting ideas above his station.

 

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