Sunday, 29 August 2010

'Discovered' in Clapton Common

Those with the gall to break out of the community are expected to slink away in silence, to disappear into the netherworld of mainstream society.

It is this attitude which makes us writers so misunderstood in our community. There is no appreciation that people simply want to voice their opinion and tell their story. It must be self-hating, self justification, bitterness, vengeance, malevolence, sucking up to the goyim. In fact anything other than that perhaps there is a point and there is some validity in what is being said. And even if there is a point 'do you really have to let the goyim know what's going on?'

Ah well, we'll go on writing and they'll go on vilifying.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Hath not a Jew manners?

Ha, with an opening like that what could I be referring to but the by now notoriously infamously shocking, gut wrenchingly nauseating, angst inducing, repentance instigating, Psalms resorting, redemption pleading article by Christina Patterson in The Independent. I know, I'm a Yiddl come lately as we're now almost a month after the event and no one's even talking about it any longer. I have however been away in the great après Tisha B'Av exodus when Stamford Hill puts on its collective skates and heads for the mountains, hills, sea and even slums, recreating them if necessary, so long that it's away. But shh don't utter it too loudly as the ganovim may pay you a visit and without the shomrim about who will be there to lend the cops a hand or stand in for them altogether?

I'm digressing as usual. I was up to Ms Patterson's famous 'And I would like to say…' tribute to yours truly, his (or her if you choose) brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, neighbours, shul colleagues, friends, foes and, to cut it short, co-religionists of any hue, colour, shade or complexion living in Stamford Hill. No hat style is exempt, no beard length excused and I’m afraid no matter whether human-hair or synthetic sheitel is your forte we’re all in it together. She’s even lumped us together with the Muslims, now there’s an insult, and now we may get to share coaches when we go to the joint demo. Naquibs and sheitels to the back, beards to the front and in one fell swoop la Patterson will have created a multiculturalism that actually works and shares a ride.

Truth said there ought to have been a great talmudical debate whether south Tottenham is covered or whether they stand out as that rare specimen of Jews who have manners. According to Blood and Property it may be something of a Hackney thing and Patterson has got it all wrong: it’s the geography stupid. On the other hand she may have omitted our Tottenham brethren as Stokies are loathe to admit that they're geographically closer to south Tottenham than to Hoxton which could shave a few tens of thousands off their lovely Kyverdale and Allerton Road (the ‘right’ parts) houses.

The trouble however is that the rabbis round here have never heard of the Independent (except of course for the 'Rabbi' who is on first name terms with even the editor of the Nowheresville Herald so long that it can fit a couple of hairs of his beard and his latest press release on its front page). You see for us it's The Times for the wannabes, wrapped up in the Estates Gazette, the Telegraph for the old timers and the Guardian for the anti-semites and self-haters. Oh and The Sun for the proste builders (though they're all Polish these days) the Mail when there's a juicy Jewish gossip story and the Express for your granny. But the Independent? Vos is dos? Are they good to the Yidn? Robert Fisk? keinmol nisht gehert.

Mind you to be fair such philistines are we in addition to our congenital rudeness that we’d never even heard of Patterson before she was kind enough to pay us homage. But you must give it to us. We Jews really do control the press. One word about us and the blogosphere, twittersphere and commentsphere want to talk about nothing but us. And if you think I'm being sarcastic type Christina Patterson’ in your search engine and of her entire oeuvre it is we who appear on top. The Chosen People as seen on google. Oy, how the Zion Elders would have kvelled. Jews get Burchill and they get Patterson.

Ok, very funny but what about the accusations themselves? Do you deny them or is this a shoot the messenger exercise? Well, Ms Patterson if you think you’ve seen it all join us on an El Al flight and you’ll see what rudeness is about. You’ll be praying for Stamford Hill 5 times a day and that’ll be just at the check in desk. But who am I to answer if public opinion on the Hill as voiced on our behalf by that denizen of 7 miles away Mr Strom and from even further afield in the JC are all strongly anti-Patterson. So what is better being mauled by Patterson or defended by Strom? Oh, L-rd save us from such invidious choices.

Strangely, the Buffoon deserted us just when we needed him most and has simply kept shtum. Who would have believed this multi-talented fossil was capable of that too? As for our spokesman the 'Rabbi', he has released a Directive not to approach La P. if seen wandering about on the Hill and definitely not to be argued with as talking to the press is his exclusive domain and infringers will have their kids refused admission or kicked out altogether from his voluntary aided (i.e. aid to the his extended family on whom HM Government has in its beneficence bestowed untold and previously unknown riches and power and jobs and buildings and who knows what else if only we could make some Freedom of Information requests without being summonsed by the entire Rabbinate and their wives and 15 kids, daughters included no less) school.

But I have some other issues with Patterson. The trouble is that when you tell us Jews that some of us are rude (I DIDN'T SAY ALL, OK OK, I didn't and I didn't mean you there flailing your arms when thanking the car on the zebra crossing, and you I caught prostrating in front of the bin man when he took your building material and the gratitude and hakoras hatov we all show to our askonim thanking them at dinners, in speeches and in newspaper ads for their daughter's weddings and wives' funerals) I only said some of us. But when you do say that up pop all the lovely Jews to say but it's not me. I'm not rude. So let's get this clear. I am rude. I am a proud practising Jew and conform to every word of Patterson and here is my tribute to her:

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew manners? Hath not a Jew hands, ears, mobiles, wifi, bluetooth, hands-free as a Christina has? If you phone us do we not speak, if you text us do we not misspell? If you blog us do we not comment, if you spam us do we not you trash, and if you flame us shall we not you tweet? Hath not a Jew a middle finger like he in a white van conveyed and can he like him not honk his horn? When you sit astride us do we not rise and when you greet us do we not turn the other cheek? When we apply for planning do you not object and when we a school wish to erect do you not petition against? And when you visit the park do you not outside a Jewish abode on Lingwood Road station your carriage and when to the Gunners must you roar do you not occupy Queen Elizabeth Walk? Do your canines our towpaths and bridlepaths not foul? When inebriated do you not your beer cans on railings impale and our pavements with your oral emissions adorn? When you forget the pill do you your offspring not cart around in a pushchair and when on Ryanair do you your seat near a Jew choose? Why, rudeness. The villainy you teach me I will execute and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Breaking News! Tribune to Close

It was with great shock and sadness that the news was received that the Organ of Anglo-Torah Jewry, the one and only (thank the L-rd for that) Jewish Tribune is to close. Such is the degreee of yeridath ha'doroth that even charedim can't be relied upon to make the correct choice in their media preference. Oh how we shall  mourn the sagacity of the Buffoon, the wit of Alex Strom, the unrivalled madness of Judith Weil, those letter pages and how can the tears stop flowing when we think of the Woman's Tribune? Where will the heimishe ladies get their advice on women's health which was never addressed anyway or on women's rights which in any event is one big oxymoron?

Sorry but with a stopped heart, flowing eyes and nose, stooping shoulders, cracked ribs, shoin enough already, we must wish you a gut shabbes and find some consolation in the kigel and tsholent.

Yom Tefiloh, demos, letters to ambassadors and shnorrer appeals next week im yirtse HaSh-m.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

And yet we'll go on voting Tory...

Here is a quote concerning the announcement in the recent budget that housing benefit will be capped at £400 per week.
I need to touch on a problem in the north of Hackney... where orthodox Jewish families will be severely hit. Such families typically have more than four children, and many of them live in the private rented sector, so the limit on benefit will have a devastating impact. The council and social landlords in Hackney will be unable to take the strain, so I need answers from the Minister on how councils will be supported in dealing with that.
Now guess who it came from? The Tribune? Nah, too busy defending the Emanuhell racists and condemning the disinterment of yet more bones somewhere in Israel? The Hamodia? Also not I'm afraid. Their preoccupation is some other Israeli 'scandal' which concerns very few of us as well as of course the Hello style Rebbes page where their Divinities are shown in various forms of ecstasy celebrating the Redemption of the Firstborn of their 5th cousin 7 times disputed. Not the JC either who are more interested when we're caught with our trousers down or drugs in our baggage than in our social needs. Perhaps one of our councillors, or the 'Rabbi', or the Buffoon, or the latest prick on the block competing with the 'Rabbi' over the number of constables he can be seen with and the number of Get Out of Jail cards he can dispense (though without mentioning how much is paid on passing Go).

The words above were by none other than the Labour MP for Hackney. But not the leadership contender and our MP Diane Abbott who is too busy with the Yemenites but rather by Meg Hillier, MP for Hackney South. And who quoted her and discussed at length the effect of the benefits cap on our community? None other than the goyishe blogger Blood and Property. And our leaders bless 'em will keep on telling us to vote Tory because, I'm not too sure because what but that's what heimishe guys do and don't ask question and just do as you're told.

And for those who want to delve further into the figures here is something that won't be music to many people's ears. According to this undated paper, Orthodox Jew make up about 7% of the Borough's population. An ethnic breakdown of Housing Benefit claimants shows us at 6% which is just under our percentage of the population. However, where the numbers become interesting is when you consider how the £400 cap affects our community. Take a look at this and you will understand why according to this report:
Ethnicity analysis of those LHA claimants who will be adversely affected by the cap proposal (see below), clearly shows that the Charedi community will be the most severely affected.
But you needn't worry. Our press and rabbis won't mention it because it may cause some heretics to query why it is so and whether it has been ordained that it must remain so. Let them carry on with their demos against NVQs G-d forbid and carry coffins round Kensington and leave such nonsense as housing to our Dear Leaders who have our best interests in their hearts and pockets and they will sort it out for the best as they always do. And if not there is always the Book of Psalms to turn to which neither Tories nor Trotskys can deprive us of.

Hallelujah!

Rabbis for the Internet!

In a rare show of solidarity seldom seen in this country or anywhere in the world rabbis of all persuasions, cults, creeds and colours (sorry black and white only) came out in unprecedented numbers to support the world wide web. Rabbis who have spent their life prohibiting the internet as the greatest threat to Judaism since the golden calf recanted in public and stood shoulder to shoulder and hat-brim to hat-brim to proclaim their belief in the dot coms and dot orgs of our age to redeem us of our orthographical errors.

As the arch pro web campaigner fondly known as Dyno Rod in a rare public recant proclaimed 'We the Rabbonim have always been surfing the web to ensure that you are protected from the filth we are forced to endure for your sake. However for spelling sake and to avoid the even greater dangers of our teachers having to take an NVQ we have accepted that we may have been mistaken in the past and hereby announce the world wide web open for all. Hurrah! Mazel Tov! Oyf Simkhes! Mertshem bay You! And while the yungeleit do their rebetzen's returns in T.K. Maxx we shall all retire for a coffee. Rabbis to Starbucks!'



And while we're at it despite the endorsement, nay exhortations, of the Rabbonim including the real, sans quotation marks, Rabbi Pinter to attend, the Buffoon and 'Rabbi' Pinter were nowhere to be seen. The Buffoon was of course busy refilling his fountain pen after his prolific letter-writing campaign on behalf of the Emmanuel racists and the Jaffa interned inviting them all to move to the fox-infested bog in Carterhatch Lane under his control. As for the revered, esteemed, capillary endowed 'Rabbi' Pinter, with not a politician or chief superintendent in sight we must agree that his time could be far more productively employed fraternising with the Buffoon at a 'meeting' of some sort rather than be seen with the 'nine-days' unwashed oi (vei) polloi and not a lens in focus.