If You Tickle Us...

1. The 6th Rabbi did not sign the Gilui Da’ath because: a. his wife forbade him b. his great-great-great-great grandfather forbade him c. both d. he lost his pen in the peak of his Sabbath hat? 2. When Rav Padwa was taken hostage by family Halpern he: a. called the police b. called Hatzole c. both d. mumbled for his hammer? 3. Keddasia flesh was transported with pig carcasses because: a. only the JC reported it b. pigs aren’t women and so needn’t be segregated. c. both d. prohibitions don’t apply to Porky? 4. Rabbi Robers wrote a letter saying: a. Chaim Halpern is unfit to be a rov becasue a beis din ruled he’s a perv b. Chaim Halpern is fit to be a rov until a beis din rules he’s a perv c. both d. he’s still deciding whether to write the letter? 5. Divrei Chaim remains an integral part of UOHC becasue: a. the letter expelling them was not meant to be released b. the letter expelling them was retracted c. both d. the retraction w

The 5th Candle of Chanukah 5773, London To the Esteemed Members and Participants of Shiurim of the Beis Medresh "Divrei Chaim" In light of the "Gilui Da'as" [proclamation] that was publicised on 22 Kislev against your Rabbi the Gaon and Tzadik shlita , after he had resigned from those positions that gave rise to the complaints. Yet [the rabbis who signed the proclamation] were still not satisfied and publicised their decision for all to see. They decided all of this without a hearing in front of a formal Beth Din and a proper Din Torah in accordance with Shulchan Oruch, Choshen Mishpat . [This was required] in order to comply with the Biblical prescription "Hear the causes between your brothers" without which one cannot oust a rabbi's presumption of innocence. Prior to publicising their Gilui Da'ath , [Rav Padwa] ordered the formation of a Beth Din composed of distinguished out-of-town Rabbonim to rule on the matter as is set out in haloc

Letter from Reb Chune posted in his shul I demand and request from all who frequent our Beish Medresh to participate in the shiur of Chumesh Rashi this Thursday night that is delivered by my son Harav (titles) Chaim shlita who with his wisdom and fear of God endows his listeners with great satisfaction bringing them closer to the Torah of God Written and signed with a special blessing to all who attend his shiurim. [signed] I too hope to take part in this shiur.

A letter in defence of Chaim Halpern from his brother-in-law, Rabbi Shimon Lemberger, the Makava Rebbe from Kiryat Ata in Israel. Essentially it is a character reference listing the great work Halpern has accomplished over the years and complains over the lack of due process in condemning him. The letter compares the campaign against Halpern to the battle against the Greeks all those years ago and takes some pot shots against the rabbis who have spoken out against him. It particular it singles out Dayan Lichtenstein, without naming him, for giving an interview to the Goyish Chronicle (the transliteration is slightly ambiguous and it could also be said to read ‘Jewish’). It also accuses the communities headed by the rabbis who have condemned him of holding functions which are against the Shulchan Aruch and yet no one protests at that. Rabbi Lemberger suggests penitence for those who have insulted Halpern, or have heard him being insulted without objecting, including a half-day fast

הנני בזה להודיע כי דברתי עם מרן הגאון מוהר”ר טובי’ ווייס שליט”א רב גאב”ד ירושלים עיה”ק ת”ו ואמר לי שהוא ימנה ב”ד לבירור דברים בהפרשה הכאובה, וכבר עוסקים בזה להרכיב הב”ד וד’ יפרוס סוכת שלומו על עמו ונזכה לראות בקרוב בישועתן של ישראל בבלצ"ג ברחמים רבים [מקום החותם] I hereby announce that I have spoken to Rabbi Tuvia Weiss the Rav and head of the Beis Din in Jerusalem and he told me that he will appoint a beis din to investigate the matters in the painful saga, and there are indeed those who are engaged in forming the beis din. May God spread His shield of peace on His people and may we soon merit to see the salvation of Israel when the Saviour shall arrive in Zion with great mercy. [signed]

If this was a competition in literary styles there is no question that the Halpern camp would have come up trumps. Indeed I would have been their staunchest cheerleader. The opposition has shown itself to be proficient neither in Hebrew nor in English and doesn’t even know on which side of the page "Bs"d" belongs. On the other hand, Chaim Halpern manages joined up writing fairly well while his father's letter is nothing short of a masterpiece. Although in delusion it belongs up there in the panoply of Comical Ali's victorious speeches as the tanks were closing in on Baghdad and Colonel Gaddafi's ranting interview on the eve of defeat, in style it is a work of art. It blends its arguments and persuasive tone with the best of biblical metaphor, rabbinical imprecations and chasidic lore to create a magisterial composition. It is truly an epistolary classic of its kind. So as not to deprive our Hebraically-challenged brethren I have translated the letter so tha

A stirring epic to the Battle of Bridge Lane when a small brigade of fedora headed irregulars headed by the provident leadership of General Ehrentreu overcame the well-entrenched positions of the Blackcoats and Redcaps commanded by Lieutenant Padwa. After placing guns on the strategic position of Simon’s Castle perched on Mount Defiance, in late evening of 6 December 2012 Homa’s Fort fell to the liberating army and the enemy was routed. Thus ended the rule of the slave owning confederacy of the south. By our resident Bard “A Broken Bochur” After days of repelling waves of relentless denials and obfuscations directed by the Kedassia cabal in beleaguered Fort GG, the exhilarating scene of a band of resolute GG Rabbonim galloping over the crest of the hill is a sight of beauty. Hurrah, the cavalry has arrived and the spectacle of the venerable Dayan Ehrentreu, sitting erect on his steed, his sharpened lance aiming directly at Padwa's midriff, should serve to scatter off the Kedassia

Public announcement signed by leading North West London rabbis that “the Rov concerned is not fit and proper to act in any Rabbinic capacity” and calls for the “merging of all the Shuls in North West London into one united body”. This is nothing less than going nuclear.

[Several people have complained that they cannot understand this post, so let me explain. This last Sunday I received a comment in 3 parts with a name to the comment. The commenter introduced himself as a professor in psychology (sic) in New York. He alleged that an enemy of Chaim Halpern has engaged in a tactic known as ‘pre-fiction-opinion’ and that ‘in excess of $20,000’ has been paid to a psychology professional to ‘design and conclude the tactic against the present victim.’ He claimed to ‘know’ this from Velvel’s comments. I thought the claim was utterly preposterous but nevertheless published it to allow the readers to decide. I then went on to read Parts II and III of the comment where the writer makes allegations that a specific psychologist in Cincinnati, Ohio ‘has published a named opinion against RCH’ and a lot more besides. After reading these further parts I could see they were written by a loon at best and so removed Part I. Shortly after, the same named commenter wrot

And so it appears that we have reached the endgame. Weeks of plotting and intrigue have left us a stage looking like the aftermath of a Greek tragedy. Halpern slain in one corner, Padwa struck down in another, his signet ring carrying the Kedassia seal beside him splattered in blood with another Halpern swinging his sword indiscriminately in the last throes of death. As for the other players, they are like dancers at a masked ball fading into the night, though unfortunately no assassin amongst them. Enough, probably too much, has been said about the accused and the nature of the allegations and it is time to move on. Let's ignore for a moment every one of the allegations of which the vast majority of us haven't heard first person. Let us also ignore every statement we haven't been given the opportunity to read, every meeting we didn’t attend and the many quotes from rabbonim we haven't spoken to. We shall instead concentrate on the few incontrovertible facts in this so

Should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble An if I stay it will be double So come on and let me know This is a comment left on the previous post. Any suggestions? Ok fellow DC members. It's Friday morning, a time to make decisions about this shabbos, and about the future. I think it is fair to say that GG is a different place this shabbos than it was last shabbos. The dramatic developments have been a game changer. Last shabbos everyone was gung-ho. We were confidently stating that the whole thing would blow over somehow. This shabbos RCH is critically wounded, possibly fatally. His brother MH has become an object of public ridicule like never before. REH either has or has not resigned from various public posts, but is certainly on the warpath in favour of his family, a position that has minority support in the kehilla at large, if any. Our shul is in complete disarray. Kedassia in GG is at its lowest ever ebb possibly sin

“Heads can only be checked by a trained expert”

So the day has arrived, the game's afoot and kick off just hours away. The vuvuzela shofers will sound, the home team will cheer the players bought from overseas by cheque book scribblers and not a few brown-bags if not brown-nosed bungs. The fans will wrap themselves in the team colours of black and white, many own goals will be scored, the captain is guaranteed to be ruled offside and if I'm not careful I'll shortly be running out of metaphors. But what do they hope to achieve and how do we measure their success? If a sell-out crowd is what they're after they have secured it by shrinking the stadium and summoning the kids which are never in short supply round here. We do have them for a reason, after all. If logging off or filters is their aim it may cause a temporary upward blip and then life will settle back to its normal course just as it did in the USA. The organisers will want to see how widely the event is covered on websites which their filters would otherwis

Another day another poster. The anti-internet rally organisers have been pasting our walls for the last fortnight with the palette of colours technology places at their disposal while the opposition uses nothing more than an old fashioned word processor and so must do with black and white. The message however is clear: Leave the kids at home - this is not where they belong. If you want the kids to see their gedoilim take them to a shul not a stadium. The organisers have spent a fortune to shrink the stadium so that banks of empty seats are not flashed round the world by tweeters at the anti-tweeting rally. All they need the kids for is as a stop gap and so at worst they might have to readjust slightly the partition. Moving the goalposts is what they call it at Leyton Orient.

Hurrah for common sense! Finally someone is prepared to say what many are thinking and saying in shuls and mikves up and down the square mile that the event is an ego trip of our dear Rov and Rosh Hakohol and the expense, the invitees, the leaflets and the venue are simply to show that we can do everything that NY can. Except of course that NY has an eiruv . It may be for the wrong reasons but how refreshing to see a contrarian view in these mad times. Reb Elyokum may also be concerned only with children, teens and koilel yungeleit rather than the event as a whole but then one must be mad to want to bring kids along in the first place. Incidentally, the Schlesingers are also the ones who won’t hold their events in YHS which suggests they know a lot more than we do. Reb Elyokum: we’re all Briskers for a day!

Open letter to rabbis banning the internet (Yiddish) I would love to translate this letter which has been doing the rounds on the internet and if only I found the time. (Any takers?) It was written in response to the New York anti-internet rally in May and a recent incident which scandalised the Satmar enclave in upstate New York when a father of several kids was kicked out of the family home after confessing his atheism to his wife. Basically the letter blames the ills of the internet’s influence on our society on our rotten education system. If the rabbis are really interested in doing something about the problem, the letter says, they should stop navel gazing, banning and controlling. Instead they should institute some sorely needed reforms, teach children the beauties of a Judaism that isn’t about excluding, banning, beatings, petty disputes and power struggles and our children might not be dazzled and fall for the world outside their ghetto on their first point of encounter.

Inquisition… Enlightenment… Reform… Communism… Zionism… Technology – Find the odd one out In the race to the bottom that the anti-internet campaign has become it appears that no form of words is too stupid, no expression too trite, no metaphor too far fetched and no analogy too extreme for the fearmongers and thought police organising these events. Strange then that despite the apparent strength of their convictions and the steadfastness of their resolve the organisers will not spread the message beyond Hebrew and Yiddish speakers. Unlike strawberry, grape and fish infestations in which the English language is squished for the sake of saving a Jewish soul from the hazards of creepy crawlies, saving us from the catastrophe unleashed by the internet is confined to Hebrew and Yiddish speakers. So as a public service we will provide a blow-by-blow translation of the clarion call for a mass stampede to Leyton Orient’s home ground as leafleted daily in tabloid typeface, brash graphic

This is a TV documentary on Stamford Hill from some time during late 80s/early 90s. The days before the Previa was invented (or did it take us time to make the discovery?), when mobile phones were the size of bricks, when Pinter was still ‘Abraham’ and a mere Deputy Headmaster and when the cops didn’t have to engage in PC claptrap. There are some real gems there especially from our dear old friend and a nice reminder of what sheitels looked like in those bygone days. Some things however never change. According to the police officer in the programme ‘this particular community are on the edge of forever but their forever is back, behind them… It’s almost as if the future is irrelevant apart from the messianic legend.’ If you think he’s overstating his case look out for next week’s jamboree at Ally Pally when they’re going to rail against the internet and technology. Time to chuck out your microwave ovens, folks.

Living in Stamford Hill you wouldn't think that little more than a couple of miles away the biggest show on earth is about kick off in under 24 hours. The top end of the Amish Kapoor sculpture may be just about visible from our unlawful lofts but believing prevents you from seeing. Zaha Hadid could have designed the foundations rather than the roof of the Aquatics Centre and we would have been equally unimpressed. And as for a minute's silence, you first must know about the dead before you can commemorate them. True we've had some new pavements on Clapton Common which may, or may not, be part of an Olympic street improvement scheme, buses with an orange streak and Games 2012 sign ply the roads while low-flying helicopters ply the skies but that, I'm afraid, is as far as it goes. The games might as well be taking place on the Comoros Islands and we would not have been much the poorer. For a start the Opening Ceremony is on Friday evening at 9pm which means that even

The following relates to reports of a man arrested in Stamford Hill for alleged child abuse (or for buying tzitzis for a child, if you believe local reports). I picked this up on facebook and I can’t vouch for its veracity. We do mass produce urban myths round here but it’s still a nice one. There's no big news in this one, but it does have an interesting twist... There's a little scandal going on in (Stamford Hill) London, since yesterday afternoon. A chasidisher 'kollel' yungerman was arrested for molesting young kids/kid. The police arrived at the Kollel and asked the Rosh Hakolel if he knows 'ploini ben ploini'... the Rosh Hakolel said "No" (of course he wouldn't be a musser and give over a fellow jew to the police...). So the police told him "We know that you do know who he is... but it's o.k." Then they had two policemen block the entrance of the Kollel from both sides so no one would escape, and they placed a phone call

Living in this country I cannot but join in the outpouring of celebration for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Belonging at the same time to the Jewish religion I cannot but feel nauseous by the sycophancy of our Chief Rabbi's prayer , speech in the House of Lords and appearance on the Today programme's Thought for the Day . We as Jews have good reason to be grateful for the stable and democratic society we live in where all religions and races are treated equally and where the rule of law reigns supreme. History has given us ample opportunity to sample an array of alternatives and it hardly need be said that they haven't always been pleasant. The Queen as Head of State embodies these values and an occasion like this gives us an opportunity to join our fellow countrymen and women in celebrating the stability of her reign and showing appreciation for her unflinching duty to the citizens of this country. But to thank her as her "loyal and devoted subjects" for

Kick balls not ass! The perfect antithesis to this Bin Laden photo. Now wait for one of our papers to excise Merkel.

Last week pupils at Yesodey Hatorah Senior Girls School were told that there would be an Ofsted inspection yesterday and today. An ‘inspector’ duly turned up yesterday. Ofsted have confirmed that “Ofsted is not conducting an inspection of the school on those two dates.” Parents, as usual, were told nothing. Can the Principal or the Chair of the Board of Governors perhaps clarify what is going on?

If Ken pricks us do we not bleed? If Boris tickles us do we not laugh? If we have a choice shall we not vote?

Spot the difference Above are recruitment ads for Science and English teachers for the YH Secondary girls' school. Nothing strange in that other than perhaps they may have run out of a ready supply of ex-sem girls and so must cast their net further afield. That however should be a cause for celebration as it indicates that the latest batch of sem graduates have spent their valuable formative years studying how to de-bug lettuce and sew hems and not filling their heads with such narishkeiten as the writings of that notorious anti-semite and his musings on Brutus and Casius. We have hespeidim of gedoilim beginning moirai vraboisai not speeches to friends and countrymen about thrice refusing crowns. That is not the Torah way. Besides, do you know that Science KS3 has life processes as a subject which in turn includes repr-duction, rachmono litzlon ? Is that what we needed a state aided school for to teach our heilige kinderlech how to have more kinderlech kenienehore, chas vc